Amorous Propensities : sex is funny, sex is sad

Too many dominants are unwilling to tell you what they want, demand, need.

I like the ones who demand that you fill out a long questionnaire to insure that the two of you match on enough levels to justify meeting. (Don’t deal with pros.)

What I hate are subs who don’t know what they want. I don’t like safe words. But I’m willing to work out every detail before I have you wearing my collar. But if you’ve just been telling yourself lies about what you need then who can work with you?

Before you give yourself to a man you need to know who you are! You can’t give what you don’t have!

I tend to leave the whole scene thing alone, been there, done that, no reason to go back. I don’t need the role play and trappings of a “scene” with strangers to make me whole or to be who I am (but then again I have my hands full at home so perhaps I have no reason for that, doesn’t mean anyone else wouldn’t or that it wouldn’t be good for anyone else). And the whole “being a submissive means that my entire pleasure comes from his satsifaction” is just bull for me (but not for others). I wouldn’t be the way I am if I had no desires of my own. I love the toys and the playthings, but what gets me going the most is the implied control rather than the actual chains. Why shouldn’t both parties have their own desires? They wouldn’t be together if they didn’t. A pull of my hair, a slap across some part of my body and a command rather than a request gets me every time. There are so many levels to so many stages that sometimes the lines become blurred and it’s hard to tell one from another. And the whole thing can also be a journey through sexuality rather than an opportunity for one hot sex scene. I personally would get bored quickly if the entire thing each and every time were exactly the same and never grew and developed as the relationship did also.

“You can’t give what you don’t have” makes so much sense. A mindless blob of play doh is not nearly as stimulating as a woman (or man) who makes a conscious decision to submit their will and allow themselves to be led and followed down the path to discovery. A good dominant not only leads, but on occasion follows as his (her) submissive learns more about herself (himself). Sheesh, him her, they both apply to either role. There are a few long lists out there that are very helpful when meeting and playing with a new partner, I use several and go over them every few years just to see what’s changed. And they usually change, a never yesterday may become a Please yes! tomorrow. Like any relationship, it’s all about growth to me.

I apologized too much again didn’t I Richard?…have got to do something about that!

“I don’t have much patience with people who reject labels. Defining words are needed to explain and communicate. But all the labels available can’t capture the subtle variations of sexuality.”

Hehe. Then you must have little patience with me as I constantly fight against the label route. I feel more like a person playing a Dr on TV when I start to string together the long list of labels behind my name. I think I fight the labels more because of the image the conjour up rather than the actual meanings they have to me. The problem comes from stereotypes and a dismissal of a person based on a preformed opinion on a word rather than a person themselves.

Someone called me a “good little sub” the other day and every fibre of my being reared up against it. A good little sub? Me? What? ARGH! But what I was rejecting was the implication of the words rather than the actual definition of each word and how they applied to me or my life. And some labels cause me to try and define them more than others, a woman, ok I can go with that, pretty self explanatory on a low level, breasts, vagina etc, but is it really defining? What type of woman, who I really am may not fit the definition and may not work for someone who identifies with their definition but doesn’t fit the standard assumptions. If that makes sense. I accept labels at times without making the distinction, because the others persons opinion mean little or nothing to me. But at times, I define it myself for them. People assume that when I say I am a witch for example, that I am new-age goth or wiccan or pagan. (my own mother seems to equate black lipstick with witchcraft for some unknown reason and mails me tubes of it as she comes across them shopping)No, that isn’t what I said, but ok if that is how you understand it. (now I am quoting a recent email myself) Other people actually want to know what I mean and are willing to listen, and some just tell me I’ll rot in a hell I don’t believe in. And not believing in it goes a long way towards not worrying about it.

I use them, they make life easier at times and maybe one day I will feel more comfortable with the labels if some of the people using them weren’t so closed minded to the definitions.

Labels are very useful things when you are trying to meet people. Otherwise you have “Person seeks person.” That doesn’t usually work and won’t until the entire human race is empathetic pansexual switches.

If you aren’t vanilla the other person has a right to know that. For gay men if you can only handle one sexual position the other guy has a need to know which.

You know your use of the word “slave” could be thought misleading. In a BDSM context it has a fairly standard meaning. And people to have a right to expect a word to be congruent with it’s standard meaning. You’d hate to order a chair only to find a door delivered.

I see labels as the headline in a news story. The story must be filled in with details. The header gives initial focus, the words below give context. Labels are only useful in context. People who won’t wait for or expect the details aren’t worth talking to.

Not everyone has the option of leaving scene play behind.

There was a very sweet, smart submissive woman here in Durham that I used to chat with who never found the right master. Her need for one was very deep. But they were never satisfactory for one reason or another.

She didn’t have a husband, nor a regular lover. Scenes were the main outlet for her sexuality.

Any sane and humane dominant knows that what he does is worthless if he doesn’t please the submissive he (or she) is with. That was my biggest problem when I was looking for dominant men in Durham. I found them. But they were consumed with this foolish arrogance that I didn’t matter in a literal sense. I didn’t find them commanding just incompetent fools.

Both sides actually require skill as well as empathy. I remember one guy I let use a riding crop on me. When he slapped my kidneys - not hard enough to do any harm - I just thought, “he has no idea what he is doing” and waited for him to finish and go away.

I think empathy is the key to all human relationships: love, friendship, politics and BDSM.

Greetings…..I am writing a play about S&M, and have just started the research. I would welcome any information/opinions/experiences you would care to share. Also, if you are so inclined, tell me what you think is the most important thing a theater piece on S&M should include.

Thank you….

Tall and Hairy…You are so right. Subs who don’t know what they want or need are merely players. A sub has to know what she is and who she is, before ever giving herself to a Dominant. Took me a long time to figure out who I was. Now I know, and I can never go back to vanilla. So all you newbie subs..learn who you are before ever giving yourself to another. If you don’t know..it makes it really tough.