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Are straight people better at BDSM?

• BDSM , • Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual , • Richard Evans Lee

(A reply to an email grows into an entry. Lately I've become tried of just quoting and mocking. An entry morein the manner I use in Pansexual Sodomite. If you find any of the following disturbing just go away.)

Being in control is a talent and a learned skill. With any sex you have to have the back of your mind set on the response of the guy that you are with: did he like having his neck nibbled, did your tongue shove too forcefully? It is a trickier balance to both be in charge and make sure everything is working for both of you.

Too many man think their mere desire to be on top is all that it takes to make it work. The first night I had a young guy on his knees it probably worked because of his hunger, rather than my knowing what I was doing. My one time on bottom with a guy was simply annoying: he didn't know what he was doing. The time with a woman was great but she was very experienced.

Sometimes I fear that heterosexual people get this right more often than gay folk. But my sample is biased. I suspect I'd have met cannier gay men involved in S&M if I'd been more open to it when I lived in San Francisco.

The straight BDSM lifestylers I've known around here seem to have a clear understanding that negotiation is an essential predecessor to a 'scene.' Recapitulating what I said above the gay sadists around here seem to all but retreat into Tarzan-talk: "Me Master, you slave. You do what I want and shut up!" That makes sense on the other side of the collar but should never rule out sane discussion before rendering a guy helpless. Given the dynamic before ever meeting. To be fair the gay men who wanted to be slaves seemed mighty petulant and demanding about what I might do to them.

Admittedly my one time with a Domme was atypical. I hadn't approached her as a submissive. She started chatting with me because she'd enjoyed things I'd written. We wound up talking about all manner of things, few of which had anything to do with sexuality or power exchange.

Naively perhaps when she dropped by my house for a visit I just thought we'd sit and talk. And we did. Then she asked me if I'd like to realize one of my fantasies. Now, who would I have been to say no?

One thing I think is illustrative of the differences between my two times on the bottom: where to strike. When it proved that the guy didn't know enough to not strike a kidney with a riding crop what passed through me wasn't erotic pain but "what an incompetent." The woman knew which places would cause greater sting but no risk. The former left me with a irritated doubt that I'd take the same chance again. The latter with a powerful erotic afterglow that lasted a couple of days.

Richard Evans Lee
April 09, 2004 •
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Comments

The straight BDSM lifestylers I’ve known around here seem to have a clear understanding that negotiation is an essential predecessor to a 'scene.' Recapitulating what I said above the gay sadists around here seem to all but retreat into Tarzan-talk: "Me Master, you slave. You do what I want and shut up!" I suspect it is largely a sample size problem. There have to be lots of gay men who are good, communicative tops. To the extent it's not, then might it be an issue of "coolness"? You know, leathermen invented BDSM. If you're gay, it's like you're supposed to be born knowing how to do BDSM. Talking about it and negotiating are not cool - that's what those geeky, Ren Faire-attending, straight BDSMers do.

Posted by: Mithras | April 9, 2004 07:29 PM

Part of the sample bias is that the straight BDSM folk I knew around here were all regulars in the local munch group and play party scene. I don't think the gay men had any similar sort of socialization.

Posted by: Richard | April 10, 2004 06:04 AM

I also meant to say that straights have plenty of assholish tops, too. I don't know of any gay munches here in Philadelphia (although there are several for lesbians), but I do know of a regular men's play party at a local club. I haven't attended it, so I don't know what the quality of play is like.

Posted by: Mithras | April 10, 2004 10:47 AM

Well, I'm not a gay man so I can't speak to that from first-hand experience...But god knows there are plenty of dumbass Master-wanna-bees in the straight BDSM world. (And I think all of them have hit on me at one time or another.) I think that the amount of skill it takes to be a good BDSM player is vastly underrated in general.

Posted by: Mistress Matisse | April 10, 2004 03:45 PM

I'm sure theirs an equal amount of (in)civility and (lack of) skill in both camps. It was an impression I'd once had and often had an urge to express to see what the response would be. And to be candid there's always the factor of having just a few ouces too many of beer.

Posted by: Richard | April 10, 2004 04:41 PM

Mithras, Do straight people use the terms top and bottom? I ask because I recently wrote something in my personal weblog about my own surprise at seeing gay men using it to imply more than a sexual position.

Posted by: Richard | April 10, 2004 05:08 PM

How do you feel?

Feel free to share your feelings about Are straight people better at BDSM?. Please stick to the theme of the entry. Disagreement is fine. Homophobia, racism, and kindred expressions of hatred will be deleted. This site is one of my hobbies. I genuinely enjoy hearing from people and hate moderating or killing comments. Forthright disagreement is fine as long as it is civil.
My thanks,
Richard

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