No Kissing! No Sex! Ever!
• Sexual Health
A member of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network shares his feelings about kissing:
"I'm not into saliva exchange," he said.
Now that gave me more of a frisson of discomfort than knowing that asexuals don't want of erotic intimacy with another person.
I like my own lustful heart but at this stage in my life it would be greatly diminished without cuddling up and making out.
The UC Berkeley graduate student may be attracted to women, but he doesn't like sex. If a woman comes on to him, he actually feels a little turned off.
Wonder what that attraction feels like? I can look at an attractive male or female and just enjoy the texture and geometry. But sometimes my biology responds more urgently. Why would an asexual find one sex more attractive than the other?
According to AVEN, each asexual will have a different experience with sexuality. Some experience physical arousal and may masturbate but do not connect it with sexual attraction to other people. Some may have sexual desire, but it is so little they can ignore it.
All sexualities span a range. Including falsity. While I can exert my imagination to believe there are genuinely asexual people I'll always wonder how many of these folks are fooling themselves.
Not interested in sex? You're not alone
Earlier: Asexuality and They Never Ever Want to Have Sex.
Personal: The Empowerment of Lust
(Later note: I found a Dan Savage column on asexuality. It hadn't occured to me that there might be married asexual people. People who did not discover their sexual orientation until after the wedding. Savage's column made me wonder - because he posed a similar hypothetical question - if an asexual person considers sex unimportant would they object to their spouse having sex with someone else?)
Comments
I suppose that technically speaking, “asexual” means what it says—a complete lack of sex drive or desire for physical intimacy of any kind. But if there’s a spectrum, with “insatiability” at the other end, there are certainly married people all along the way. My wife and I never had good sex, even when we were first going out. It was a new experience for me, but not for her—she had a lot of lovers, but nothing memorably great. So we tried all sorts of things, but really to no avail. For the better part of our 5 married years, sex has been monthly at best. But, to answer your question, yes, it’s ok with her if I play with others. She had always hinted at such things, usually opaquely referring to herself as a “Japanese wife ” (she’s Anglo, but lived in Japan for 6 years), with all that entails, including men’s social/sexual freedom. Now frankly, she might prefer that we play together with another man, and I’m definitely game—we’ve been close twice, but not followed through. So in the end, I’m not about to bail on a 95%-fabulous relationship for the sake of that missing 5%; at the same time, I’m not willing to forgo that 5%. So I have a little space to socialize, and as long as we wake up together every morning, all is well. So far, so good.
Posted by: Bi & proud in Berkeley | October 24, 2005 04:40 PM